Today I had the awesome privilege of a customer stopping by my office whom I just so happen to really adore. Whenever I see her, I instantly light up, and just from a brief exchange, I feel replenished. She's the kind of woman that is a reflection of all that is good. Her smile is loud and you can hear it echo after she leaves your space. She gets me, I get her, and our eyes recognize each others spirit. We've never socialized, we're not friends, but we're connect. I've often said to her "I'm not sure why we met but I know it will be revealed."
I haven't seen her in months, so to look up from my desk and see her there, I instantly walked over to offer a hug and a Happy New Year greeting. "Are you in a hurry I asked." she replied "No, I've got some time if you do." She explained how she usually drives by, but today decided to stop in because she could see from my window that I was in my office. Personally I was thrilled to shift from business and personnel matters for a few minutes.
Because she is so generous she asked all about me. It's a gift that is given too infrequently in my opinion. As much as I offer it, few offer it to me and really listen to me before injecting and interrupting. "Oh I know what you mean, when I blah blah blah." This women provided eye contact, listened to me tell bits of my recent vacation and how business is doing. She asked about the book that I'm writing and how to get a copy. Then she said "this community needs you right where you are, and if you left, it would not be the same." She asked, "so with all that you're doing, how long are you going to stay put?"
I told her that I'm asking myself one question "what do I want to be able to say about my life in 2012, that I couldn't say in 2011. She said "that's an excellent question." "I should peel back more of my onion and ask myself that question." "I wish I could just drive somewhere, or get away to somewhere quiet." "What do I want to be able to say about my life?"
I looked at her, really looked at her, I saw that her eyes where more dim than usual. I hushed up and asked, "what's different about you?" She started to cry and said"my mother died, and she was my best friend." I knew instantly why she was really here, not why she stopped in, but what this time was really carved out for. I felt grateful that I really had the space in my day to remove all distractions and give her the next 30 minutes without looking at the clock. I leaned forward and said, "Thank you for knowing that you could stop in and share with me in space that is safe to cry." She said "I know it's safe."
As she allowed herself to cry in my presence, she shared with me the depth of their mother daughter relationship. She spoke of what kind of women her mother was, her final moments with her mom, how she sat at her bedside, the service, her siblings, how her father is doing, her childhood home, and how this loss reminded her of a deeper loss she had experienced years ago. She lost a child.
I've often thought, how does a mother ever find her smile again after losing a child. When I've allowed myself to play that tape in my head, I'm on the ground sobbing, in bed with curtains drawn, medicated and broken. I'm looking at her across from me and understanding more deeply why I adore her and what it must take for her to provide the kind of energy that she does to all that are around her. My adoration instantly deepens.
As she's sharing how her three year old son died, and what losing her mother has brought out, she allows herself to shed more tears. I hear her say "I apologize for turning our conversation so dark." I reply "there's nothing dark about life, love and loss, no apology is needed, I'm listening." There are concerns about what will happened to her dad, as he's now alone in the home that she and her seven siblings grew up in. The siblings all live in different states and I heard her speak of how each of them are doing. It's obvious that the family is very close and her focus and concerning heart is worried about one brother in particular.
As she wipes away more tears she asked me if my parents are still alive? I told her I'd lost my favorite brother three years ago and that pain is still there. "How do you deal with that?" she asked. "I've gotten comfortable with it." "It's the hole in my soul that is carved out for him and I've learned to not spend any time trying to fill it up, cover it up with something that doesn't fill that space. It's his space, and he deserves it." She replied "I get that." I continued, "your mother and your son (I asked their names and used them) deserve the same so please allow yourself to mourn them whenever you want, need, and feel like it and make no apologies for it. They are both worthy of that." "There's no stop watch on grief."
I watched her exhale, and sit back in her chair, I asked if she had good girlfriends that were there for her. "Yes" she said, "and my colleagues have been great too, and my husband and son. I'm really grateful for them she said." I told her, "I know I've said this to you many times, but it feels appropriate today; I'm not sure why I met you but I'm sure it will be revealed." She said "so now we know."
As she was ready to leave my office I offered to walk her out, arm in arm, clutched together like the girlfriends we just became, still engaged in conversation, making plans about lunch or dinner within the next 2 weeks, I opened the door for her and she walked out. She turned around, smiling and waving goodbye, there was nothing more to be spoken. I heard her smile.
Teej
